Added: Valentin Dwight - Date: 08.01.2022 05:45 - Views: 33902 - Clicks: 1243
I typed this into Google a year ago, my hands shaking as I questioned what I meant. I felt selfish as I typed it, thinking about all of the people who had been suicidal, worrying that I was being disrespectful to those who had actually lost their lives that way. I also wondered whether I was just being dramatic. But I pressed enter anyway, desperate to find an answer for what I was feeling. To my surprise, I was met with search after search of the exact same question. There were so many other people feeling the exact same way.
But I still felt what I felt. I felt distant from the world and from myself; my life felt almost as though it were on autopilot. It felt like I had become separate from my own self, as though a part of me was just watching my body go through the motions. Daily routines like getting up, making the bed, and working the day away felt almost mechanical. I was in a toxic relationship and heavily depressed.
I wondered what would happen after I died. I was bombarded with intrusive thoughts, suicidal feelings, urges to hurt myself, and feelings of despair. What if I attempted to kill myself and it went wrong? What if it went right, but in the last few moments of my life I realized I had made a mistake and regretted it? What exactly happens after I die? What happens to the people around me? Could I do that to my family? Would people miss me? And these questions would eventually lead me to the question, do I really want to die?
The answer, deep down, was no. And so I held on to that to keep me going, that little glimmer of uncertainty every time I thought about ending my life. Things had been going downhill for a long time. I had been suffering with severe anxiety caused by PTSD for several months, which had escalated to daily panic attacks. I experienced a constant feeling of dread in my stomach, tension headaches, body tremors, and nausea. It was a huge turning point, going from feeling everything at once to feeling nothing at all.
And, in all honesty, I think the nothingness was worse. The nothingness, combined with the same daily routine and toxic relationship, made my life feel utterly worthless. At the end of my rope, I turned to Google. Scrolling through post after post, I realized that actually, a lot of people understood. A lot of people knew what it was like to not want to be here anymore but not want to die. We had all typed in the question with one expectation: answers. And answers meant we wanted to know what to do with our feelings instead of ending our lives.
And maybe, I hoped, that meant that deep down, we all wanted to hold on to see if things could get better. And that we could. My mind had been clouded by the anxiety, despair, monotony, and a relationship that was slowly destroying me.
To look at how things could get better if I attempted to make changes. The reason I thought I was just existing was because I really was. I was miserable and I was stuck. But I did start to make changes. I started to see a therapist, who helped me gain some perspective.
My toxic relationship ended. I was devastated about it, but things improved so quickly as I started to exercise my independence. Yes, I still got up every morning and made the bed, but the rest of the day would be at my hands, and slowly but surely, that started to excite me. I think a huge part of feeling as though I was just some form of existence was because my life was so predictable.
Now that that had been taken away, everything seemed new and exciting. With time, I felt like I was living again, and most importantly, that I had and have a life worth living. But knowing that I got through this truly difficult time in my life gives me the motivation to get through any other bad moments again.
I know that better than most. But I promise you things can and often do get better. You just have to hold on to that doubt, however small it might be. And speaking from experience, I can assure you that small, nagging feeling is telling you the truth. Hattie Gladwell is a mental health journalist, author, and advocate.
She writes about mental illness in hopes of diminishing the stigma and to encourage others to speak out. If this last…. Depression hurts. And while we often pair this mental illness with emotional pain like sadness, crying, and feelings of hopelessness, research shows…. The negative voice that nags us can really take a toll when it goes unchecked, and yet few of us know how to push back.
Here are five ways to keep…. Explaining depression can be challenging. Here are a psychologist's tips for choosing words and finding allies to help. Share on Pinterest. And I questioned what the point in that was, exactly. This had been taking over my life for so long until, all of a sudden, I snapped. Realizing this gave me hope. It told me that if these people, like me, were still here — despite feeling all the same feelings — I could stay, too. I still suffer with mental illness. There are still bad days, and I know there always will be. Written by Hattie Gladwell — Updated on June 18, Read this next.
Medically reviewed by Timothy J. Legg, Ph.Kinda know what i want now
email: [email protected] - phone:(337) 839-4157 x 3578
"today my anthro professor said something really kinda beautiful: 'you all have a little bit of 'i want to save the world' in you. that's why you're here, in college. i want you to know that it's okay if you only save one person. and it's okay if that person is you.' and i though it it was kinda beautiful."